Proceed with caution, gentlemen
by JAMES WONG
Lads, don’t be shy, the sex toy industry is booming and more and more guys are turning to store-bought pleasures than ever when it comes to the bedroom. Now we all have different levels of kink, but these surely take the kink biscuit by the balls. Here are some of the most outrageous toys currently on the market for men, and we warn that you may need to sit down before scrolling.
1) Latrine Funnel Gag
For the gents who are into a bit of sadistic fun, this is a gag device which is strapped on to your face, allowing your woman to pour desired liquid from rim to mouth. There are a lot of liquids we’re thinking of when it comes to quenching our thirst—beer, freshly squeezed orange juice, or even a smoothie, but somehow we feel like that wasn’t what the creator had in mind…
2) Jesse Jane Doggy Style Pussy and Ass Masturbator
If you’re familiar with cheeky videos (also known as porn), then you may well be familiar with the lovely Jesse Jane. Jane has teamed up with XR Brands to bring you perfect replicas of her holey parts including this genius doggy-style booty. That’s right, you can pump her snatch and asshole and when you’re done you’ll rinse and throw her in the drawer. This life-size mould of her ass is a must for her super fans. You know what they say; you’re not a super fan unless you own a hole. Okay, they don’t say that but life would be fun if they did.
3) Oral Sex Mouth Gag
Is this what it feels like when ladies do the ‘duck face’ on IG stories? Probably. The open-mouth gag is shaped like a pair of inflated oral sex-ready lips, so that your partner knows you mean toothy business. Pair this up with bondage and you’re as freaky as Christian Grey from Fifty Shades Of Grey, if not more. #kinkgoals.
4) Darlex Heavy Duty Sleepsack
Ever dreamed of being zipped up in a body bag and sexually tormented? If the answer to that is yes, then dreams certainly do come true beyond Disneyland! Darlex is a material similar to spandex but ten times stronger, meaning your partner can carry and toss you around in all sorts of ways. This also has two inner sleeves to keep arms and hands from touching the body, and a three-way zipper so privates can be accessed. Camping trips will never be the same again.
5) Ball Stretcher With Leash
Get on Spotify and find Miley Cyrus immediately. This is YOUR Wrecking Ball. The Ball Stretcher will trap your testicles, pulling them down and away from your body for a very unique sexual sensation. Your partner can drag you around via the balls, and there are even attachment points to add weights. No pain no gain, right?
6) Stainless Steel Lips and Tongue Press
It’s easy to get lost in conversation when you’re in the bedroom, but not when this nifty gadget is around. The press locks lips in a devious way to shut a submissive up; all you’ll hear is the squirms of delight (and/or pain) from your naughty session.
7) Strict Leather Leg Binders
Another one for the bondage fans; these leg binders lock you up and allow your master complete control of your body which paired with matching restraint gear. No amount of pleading or struggling will give you access to walking, dancing, or squatting. Sorry, lads.
8) Power Cage E-stim cock and ball sheath
Your cock transforms into a dildo to send electricity up your partner’s vag! Sensations produced by the Power Cage E-stim include a prickling or tingling pulsation that’s sure to make her muscles clench repeatedly around your cock, while the cock ring enhances your erection to keep you harder than a frozen hotdog.
9) Bros Pins Magnetic Nipple Clamps
10) The Super Milker Automatic Deluxe Stroker Machine
If Mary Poppins were randy and male, this is what she’d be carrying around in her box of tricks. The Super Milker Automatic Deluxe Stroker Machine basically sucks you dry, with no less than four cylinders to deliver a tantalizing range of stimulations. All you do is plug in the hose and use the dial controller to adjust suction speed. Your goodies come in a stylish brief case, with enough room to squeeze in lunch and a spare pair of undies.
11) Auto Flogger Whip Attachment for Drills
Now if you like being beaten senseless, but ideally not robbed of your cash and phone, then this is just the ticket. The Auto Flogger Whip Attachment can be joined to a drill and slap the naughtiest of boys and girls for hours on end. It comes with 16 tails perfect for painful slapping. Let the good times roll.
12) iGasm Spinning Stimulator
You can pop your cock inside the twirling pleasure cup, and then use it on your girl, which will give her the sensation of her pussy being licked. That’s right—the handheld machine can be used for him and her, for oral sex fun times galore. A set of buttons controls three speeds of rotation in both directions, three speeds of vibrations, and three patterns of pulsation.
13) Love Doll
We’ve all heard of sex dolls, but have you ever seen a super realistic, giant boobed, customized one? Well, here you go. At Love Doll you can customise head, eyes, hair, nails and even vagina. Basically, you can order Kim Kardashian, and she’ll use the strainless steal lip and tongue press without complaining.
14) Fatty Patty Love Doll
No e budget for a customised Kim K doll? It’s okay, you can have Fatty Patty instead. She’s full of love, and by that we mean love handles, and she comes with three juicy holes to poke your chubby chasing willy into. Go ahead and s(p)oil yourself, boys!