A Lube You Won’t Believe Exists

SLANTIST — A Lube You Won’t Believe Exists.

Helen Gurley Brown once extolled its protein content, advising women to rub it on their faces. In 1986, P.G. Ney hypothesized that it could cure depression, and in 2002, Gordon Gallup backed that up with some of his own (albeit not entirely conclusive) data. In 2008, someone made a cookbook chock-full of recipes meant to showcase its flavor. And this year, that same someone released a book of cocktails featuring it.

Despite all this, it seems that the number of people who actually like semen are in the minority. Possibly even the extreme minority. Mostly, whenever semen comes up, the immediate response is something like this comment from Doug Barry, for Jezebel: “Semen is gross the same way that any viscous fluid is gross. It’s science viscosity is directly related to grossness, with things like semen and pond scum (which, coincidentally, is also teeming with life-disseminating genetic material) at one end of the gross spectrum, and water at the other (syrup and honey are obvious exceptions).”

So I was shocked — utterly shocked — to see that someone was making a lube that mimics semen in texture and scent. Yes, you read that right — XR Brands has recreated the viscosity, look and tangy smell of cum and imbued a water-based lubricant formula with these characteristics. They’re calling it Jizz.

The makers believe that the market is missing a lube that fits in with the passionate encounters that require it. Other lubes are too clinical, they write, or distracting with their scents, flavors and colors. They wanted to make something that emulated a part of the act, something that is supposed to be there. They think Jizz will also be welcomed by people who want to enjoy semen and still have safer sex.

A scientist friend was concerned when I told him about it. “As a matter of safety — like in a lab — you need to be careful about things that closely resemble other things,” he tried to warn me. I nodded vehemently. The only thing I could think about was creampies, creampies, creampies.

(As has been pointed out, cum lube has existed for some time — it’s popular in porn production — what’s interesting about XR Brands’ offering is that it’s not just made to look like semen, it’s meant to smell like it, too.)